So true! I always find that if all the kids bedrooms are in order, the rest of the house is a shambles, and vice versa! I encourage my little ones to make their beds and keep their rooms tidy...but I don't have unrealistic expectations of them either. The deal is if they at least attempt to make beds and tidy, I will do the ''mum cleanup''.

I read a while a go 'don't do for your children what they can do for themselves' - easier said than done for me. My husband tells me too not to pick up our boys toys because well, they are their toys not mine! But it can be a difficult to tension in ones mama self to overcome when you like things to look a certain way and to be done a certain way...ah the art of letting go! Great post xx

Hi Jodi! My eldest daughter is almost two and we already encourage her to pick up her toys. If she doesn't seem to understand I'll show her by starting the chore and then step back and let her finish. I don't coach her or hurry her up, rather, I just quietly keep an eye out to make sure nothing dangerous is occurring. Often she get's bored or sidetracked before finishing and being that she is so young I let it go and finish up later once she is in bed.

The reason I do things this way is two-fold. On one hand I want to teach Anouk responsibility for her belongings and encourage her to develop a sense of pride in keeping things tidy. On the other hand, I can't stand feeling like a maid in my own home!

Dont clean their room; have a cup of tea instead... OH HOW I LOVE THIS!!!! thank you xoxo

My 4 years old son hasn't got a seperate room for himself yet but he has developed a sense of responsibility towards his stuff in his play area. He keeps thing back at place before reaching to the bed. And I think it all started with us asking him to do so, helping him initially to teach him how to, and then let him see how we keep our space ( for example, our master bed, work space, dining area etc). Sometimes he surprises me with the perfection he wants in his chores. ;)

I am loving your 'Practicing Simplicity' posts. They resonate with me so much, and each seems to come in sync with my life at that particular time!

Now my kids are older they have to clean their rooms, keep them tidy, which is challenging for a 14 year old boy!! I used to have a 'tidy up time' ritual before dinner each night. 5 minutes. a quick pick up and put away, usually to some fun music. Although they have responsibilities now, I still do a little extra fussing and nurturing. Isn't that why we are mothers?

I like the "extra fussing and nurturing" mentality. It is what makes us mothers (plus we see mess that is seemingly invisible to other eyes!) x

It's such a bind for me. On the one hand I want to encourage independence but on the other hand I see children grow up so quickly these days that it's nice to help them while they let us. It's a dilemma my husband and I toss about often.

My six and three year olds make a lot of mess, some days I tolerate the mess better than other days, but I want them to feel comfortable to play, be a kid and go from game to game. I don't clean up for them…well at least 60% of the time they tidy their mess away, on instruction. The other times I help them or I do it myself. We all know what is expected now and for the most part they are active, not always willing, but active participants in the tidy ups.

I'd like that to continue and in other areas of our lives as they grow; I'd like them to contribute, with my help, to cooking a meal for the family on a regular basis. For togetherness time and for skill development and enrichment of them as contributors in a family.

I though of you last week Jodi when I received a book from my dad 'Simplicity Parenting' I'm looking forward to reading it.

Oh Jodi! As the mother of just one, I have felt like you - the nurturing, creating comfort and keeping everything as perfect as possible - for 15 years. Such a mistake. She's a dear sweet girl - but my goodness, I do wonder how she'll fare when she ventures away from the nest in the years to come! I am now trying to leave lots of little things up to her. Because I'm finding this doesn't just set behaviours with regard to household chores - I think the reality of having to stop what you like doing and do what has to be done shapes how we approach so many aspects of our lives - and I can see now, for 15 years, I've deprived her of the opportunity to develop this strength. My fingers are crossed that she'll be able to fall back on the good modelling I provided :-) Good for you for noticing!

Not sure what's more enjoyable; your post or the comments! Just this minute, I feel like there are a bunch of a mums in a room with a cup of tea talking intellingently and lovingly about our children's mess and independence - lovely! I resonate with every comment here; a struggle here too, and yet there are good days and bad days. It's always dependent on my perspective and mood though. If I am grounded and light, I'll crouch to their level, talk about it, help them, make it fun, sing. That's the way to do it. Other days, I'm barking orders, over and over, and it might get done but I'm exhausted at the end of it and I'm not sure they gain anything out of it (a tidy space then comes at a price). I'm trying, harder and harder, to be aware of how I get them to do things, why I want them to do those things, and what it means for all of us. xx

Jodi I've been reading Duct Tape Parenting and she talks a lot about letting them do for themselves and letting it go as a parent so that you are not the maid. She mentions its about teaching them to become responsible adults and be letting go in the short term, you create a better long term.

Obviously Josephine is pretty small, but she already 'helps' to tidy up before naptime and bedtime or after we've been crafting (this usually involves her taking ten minutes to clear away three or four toys while I do the rest) but I think she's beginning to understand helping around the house as well as taking responsibility for the mess she's made. She's also just started being in charge of taking her coat and wellies off when we come home. It takes her a couple of minutes to navigate zips and velcro plus pulling off wellies, but she's always so please with herself and carefully puts her wellies back where they should be and hands me her coat. I've got to say, she initiated this one herself, refusing help when I offered.
I really want to get a few Montessori books (can you recommend any?) for Christmas, to inspired with some activities we can start at home now she's nearly 2.
But, like you, I will always take pride in laying out her pjs before bath time :) xx

Hi Jodi,
It is so tricky isn't it.
Wanting to create warm & inviting spaces for our children but then actually creating stress for all of the family by our own expectations of *what* defines a warm & inviting space.
Is our idea the same as our children's idea of what makes a room inviting? I think very often it isn't.
I don't think there are many children that would grow up telling of their happy childhood that was made enriched because of their tidy bedroom. And I am very sure that a child never felt loved *more* because of a tidy room either.
As a mother of five boys (aged 15, 13, 10, 7 & 5), the notion of having tidy bedrooms is just not something that has ever felt a priority to me. Manageable rooms yes, but very often messy.
Our boys have always shared rooms- sometimes it was 4 in one room and the baby in the other (we had just a 3 bedroom house until a recent renovation), now it is 3 in one room and the 2 big lads in the other as they still want to share (I LOVE that they do, it fills me heart!!).
What is more important over me keeping their room tidy is teaching them about respecting other people.
Do the other people in the room feel ok about someone else's clothes sprawled across where they want to build a train track? And if so, how do we manage a solution that works for everyone?
Who is going to do the tidying up?
I do make it loud & clear that the message that a person leaves as they toss their items wantonly around the house is that 'I *expect* someone else will do my work for me' and that is NOT acceptable in this house.
Respect is a huge part of how we raise our family. And with that comes teaching an understanding of how our behaviour affects others.
Our life as a very big family involves a lot of compromise and a lot of forgiveness.
Sometimes compromise (of space & order in this case) yields gifts in other ways- learning how to negotiate & finding a shared solution is a great feeling.
I am not big on asking my children to 'Go and tidy your room'.
For my kids it just doesn't work & I am guessing it doesn't really work for any. I think there are other ways of teaching our children the message we are trying to convey.
A 'Lets go and work on sorting out this space together so it works in the way you want it' might be something that I would do. Children are much more keen to help if you are there with them & to be honest the idea of tidying up to a child is very abstract.
The time as we do this together is often so very special....the conversations that happen, the finding of long lost toys, the laughter & jokes, the finding a favourite book to read.......
I have never been a 'Neat Freak', so the mess doesn't get to me as it may to others- that helps a lot in my situation!
But more than anything I don't want to be arguing with my children over tidying their rooms I just don't see the value in it.
As you suggest Jodi, drinking tea is far preferable- preferably in my child's bedroom, alongside my children and all the teddy bears.
If it all gets too much we can always SHUT the door.
xx
xxxxx

Awww loved this x

i think you hit it perfectly when described still laying out their pajamas, and in the winter wrapped around a hot water bottle. it's this balance of showing them love and care, and that desire to give them small comforts, with teaching them responsibility for the days that will inevitably come when you're not their to assist them in living like adults. it's a constant battle to strike this balance, but your words are an uplifting reminder to keep trying! thanks you, as always. : )

I have four children, my eldest being twenty and away at university now, and I too have long since had to accept that I cannot keep their rooms tidy along with the rest of the house. My compromise is to quickly tidy their beds and fold the pyjamas on the top, and leave the rest of their mess for them to sort out! Then have that cup of tea!

Sigh...we struggle with similar concepts over here. Many things that my toddler will do independently if I am not around, he will not do if I am around. Feeding himself breakfast for example. He eats every other meal on his own and I know that he is perfectly capable of feeding himself his yogurt or porridge but if I hover in the kitchen while he is eating, he asks, "Mommy, help?" and refuses to feed himself. It is at once endearing and tiring.

Very inspiring post Jodi. But this is so difficult for me: letting go when it comes to their rooms. I've got three kids and a small house so I always feel the need to have their rooms airy, tidy and uncluttered so that they can play in a peaceful place. So I suppose this could be an excellent solution: tidying up all together but without too much stress.
When it comes to perfectionism in general, well, this is not something I should learn to handle, really: I've always thought, and still do, that perfectionism threatens the possibility to enjoy things fully and that's really bad for health. Real ife is stronger than perfectionism! And hurray to cups of tea with some mess all around.

Iris is still in a bed in our room so I quietly dream of the day we will have a sanctuary of own again. We are trying to teach some responsibility for the communal areas but have always said it is up to her how she treats the things that belong to her, we try to guide her and offer her information but it would seem that most of it has to be tested for herself. Wooden toys are not keen on water as it makes the wood swell up, oh you've done it? That would be why all the paint is now chipping off, very frustrating. We have learnt to never be precious about her things and always buy second hand where possible :) Although I am hoping the downsizing will help us all take better care of our things, with less we have more time Xx

Lovely post : ) I'm one of seven children, and my Mama was a bread baking, jam making, wholefoods cooking, clothes sewing/making Mama from the get-go, who created such a loving, nurturing home for all of us, but she never cleaned our rooms (that was our responsibility) and as soon as we were old enough we all had our various chores (washing folding, dish washing etc) ~ she also had a rule that we all had to 'rest' in our rooms for at least an hour in the afternoon : ) I think the number of children you have definitely correlates to letting go of perfectionism ; )

Granted my kids are a little older, but I have found if I keep most of the rest of the house tidy, they eventually see how much more peaceful it feels. Then they'll do a big room cleanup on their own. : )

One of the 'big' kids dropped in for a cuppa this afternoon. He's just moved out. He moved out with his older sister about two months ago, maybe a little less, and this weekend moved again to be truly setting out on his own path. Bless him. He wanted to know how to cook salmon. Still the little things. The places you come back to where you know people know and will show you the way.

One of my biggest fears of one day being a parent is that I will raise dependent children because I struggle to let others do things when I know they won't do them to my standards. Thank you for this post